What Matters

Yesterday, after dinner, I requested Aun to drive me to the Pasar Malam so that I could purchase some fruits for us. It was dry and cool, so the people of Tanjung Bungah were out in droves and there were cars parked along the main road even up to the bus stop near to the driving school. I hurried in and out, stopping to pick up a papaya and then walked more inside to get bananas as Aun did not want our usual oranges since he was feeling the effects of some gastric pains.

Retracing my steps along the packed corridor of the stalls, I noticed a young male figure seated on the ground with a container outstretched begging for money. I was taken aback at his countenance. He had a good looking intelligent face. He was young, as young as my children. He smiled at me and said, "Auntie, please help." My eyes quickly ran down his body, looking for a reason why. He seemed almost normal.. except that one of his arms was thin, very thin like a stick, just skin covering bone from shoulder to wrist. The other arm was a normal size but I could not tell how his legs were affected by his affliction. My thought as I hurried past, my hands were already full with my purchases, it is too difficult to get my money out from my purse in this crowd but my heart stopped my footsteps, my breath caught, he is so.. young.. like my children, and whatever I could give, it would make a difference to his collection for the night.

The world is so full of bad news every day. On Sunday morning, we all awoke to the headlines screaming the bus accident which had happened in the first hour of Christmas morning. A bus carrying over forty passengers had crashed into the road barrier because its driver had momentarily fallen asleep at the wheel. Those few seconds of slumber caused ten passengers their lives because the road barrier sliced into the bus dismembering, killing them on the spot. It pained me utterly that the lives of the people and the hopes of people resting on those people were all snuffed out in a moment of needless irresponsible, could have been preventable, carelessness. That morning as I rejoiced, there were people in unimaginable agony. Till today our nation is still reeling from the impact of the horrific accident.

Today's bad news overshadow yesterday's horror. Over a fortnight ago, journalists discovered two foreign beggers at a Pasar Malam, acid burned beyond recognition. Even their gender were not fathomable. One had no hands and so could not feed himself/herself and would have to depend on his "master" for his basic need. Both had no hair and... no legs. We would think that such victims only existed in the horror stories of parents who wanted to subdue their children to obedience but there they were, their photographs screaming back at us, a graphic description of the cruelty of humans who would use other humans at whatever cost to enrich themselves.

As I remember these and more which I shall not give the privilege of publication, I can only come up with one comfort to myself. We need to treasure each day as we are blessed, because in just a moment, a moment could change everything we hold dear. Whatever material comforts I have or I lack, what truly matters are the people I love and everyday, I crave God's grace for them in all circumstances.

Christmas!

So last night we went to the airport to pick up Diane. I stood at the arrival lounge once more eagerly scanning the faces of the passengers as they walked in the distance towards us and the door though this time I looked for a female figure instead of a male. I felt mixed feelings of joy and sadness, joy at expecting to see Diane again and sadness whenever I spot a young traveller - judging by the size of the luggage so you know he has come from afar and not just K.L. I watch as he quickens his step as he spots his mother in the crowd, his face breaking into a wide happy smile and his arms quickly wrap around her.

This morning we were all united by Skype and to my great delight, my package had arrived. I always feel so thankful as though a small miracle has happened each time my parcel arrives safely as if I do not trust the postal system. We were all overjoyed that at least our one away was warmed by the tokens of our love, squealing as he opened and tried each gift.

Princess and the Frog was very good and refreshing and the songs so lovely. Diane and I had two hours of escapism. I like cartoons, but only the ones with great music. ^^

Gift Exchange

Although I do not show it, I dislike gift exchanges very much. No, hate is a better word. I personally think gift exchanges are devised by Christians who, when caught up in the season of giving feel obliged to to do so but then devise a way to guarantee that they do not end up without a gift in return. I am so convinced that is the case. But what is the point? Giving a gift should come from the heart without expecting one in return. Of course it will be nice if our gesture is reciprocated but the whole point of giving the gift is to appreciate the person, to show that he/she truly means something to you and the gift is a personal token of the value of that person to you, without any expectation of anything in return. All of which, I emphasize, gift exchanges dismally fail to achieve. They mean absolutely nothing because whatever you draw, big or small, valuable or not, was never given with you in mind.

Maybe, I concede, give everyone a feel good feeling, see we all got a gift in return, so everyone goes back happy.

So it was totally without any feeling at all that I brought my night-before-wrapped gift to the staff Christmas lunch today for the gift exchange we were told would take place. The organizer called for attention and explained that she would start it off by drawing from the bag of name tags to call out a name and that person would come up to pick a gift from all of our collected gifts and in turn pull out another name from the bag to pick the next gift. And so it went on, amidst much laughing and teasing about choosing the better looking ones from the whole lot. No, do not go for that big package. Too big cannot be very good either. Or too small... may be just a key chain. Not that large one that is obviously a cheap photo frame.

Nothing is more of a turn off to me than a gift exchange. Call me an idealist whatever.

Then it took a twist that made my day.

The organizer said after everyone had chosen their gifts, "Don't open them yet. It is not completed yet. We have all chosen our gifts and we have chosen the best that we think are from the batch for ourselves. Now we are going to have one more draw and whoever the name we draw, we are going to give the gifts we have picked for ourselves to him/her." And there was a collective groan from all of us.

Best gift exchange ever I went to. :)

I miss my children so much. Yes, I am in the woes of my empty nest syndrome again. At least thank God I live in the age of the internet, and all the chat services are my best friends. Even when I do not contact them, my heart lightens up at the sight of any one with an online or even away message. (Today was so funny... Diane and I were using our webcams for video gmail chat and typing in our responses instead of talking. After a while I realised I could hear her typing and it was only then that we realised we could talk instead of type!) Virtual presence is still better than no presence. So much for our age. What would our forefathers have said?

I know I am blessed beyond measure when my children say they are excited about coming home. I am humbled and amazed that I, an absolutely ordinary woman can instill deep love that can overcome whatever negative thing about me when admittedly most times I find it difficult to get along with others. Indeed parenthood has great rewards that a paid job can never ever give you.

I miss my Calvin's return so deeply this Christmas - my heart would have been singing this time previous years - and yet I was stupid enough to tell Diane to spend the holidays in K.L. Thankfully she had better sense than me and insisted on her way to book her ticket home in advance. Just one day after her departure and I miss her so much already it physically hurts. It would have been better if at least one was back home to lessen it. So in my utter lonesome sad state, I have been making calls across the oceans almost daily in pathetic attempts to patch the missing part of my heart.

For the umpteenth time in my life I regret why I did not have the faith to have a larger family. Diane and Aun are in K.L. tonight. Calvin although in my heart, is far, far away. It is during times like this that I only realise I look forward to seeing Aun at the end of the day. Seriously. He is always so stable and dependable, I admit I take it for granted that I will see him always and it is hard to imagine anything else. I am so preoccupied with missing Diane and Calvin and it seldom hits me that I miss or will miss him because Aun is always here, solidly dependable and devoted to me. This evening as I left work, my heart shrank at the prospect of returning to an empty house, even for a day and I was glad I had preempted it by calling up MK for an evening walk.

In other news, I am very very excited at visiting California and have been stressing out everyone, including the travel agent.